Trump: Martha—I don’t know how much clearer I can make this. I told detailed assault stories that included specific dates, names, and body parts. That’s just classic locker room talk. Every guy talks to other guys about detailed stories of his previous assaults that include specific dates, names, and body parts. You don’t know this because you’re not there—but whenever guys are alone, they talk about their previous assaults. That doesn’t mean they assaulted anyone. Unless they’re Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is a bad fucking dude. Bill Clinton told me about when he held a Taco Bell employee down by the neck in the restaurant’s utilities closet and had intercourse with her. Bill Clinton told me about having a foursome with Chelsea’s three best friends while Chelsea was sleeping upstairs. Hillary missed it because she was busy laughing at a 12-year-old rape victim who by coincidence is sitting right over there.
A Letter from Breitbart’s Ombudsman on Donald Trump
Dear Loyal Breitbart Reader,
In the days since Breitbart’s chairman Stephen Bannon first announced he would be taking a leave of absence to helm Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign, some have wondered how even the most august and rigorous news organization could expect to provide dispassionate coverage in such circumstances.
Fortunately, as the ombudsman of Breitbart News, I’m writing to answer a more straightforward question: how we expect to.
The short answer is that we will stay true to the same principles and values that have made Breitbart news the number one most trusted online news outlet in America, as determined by a survey conducted by Breitbart news.
First, let me acknowledge that questions of journalistic ethics can be murky—not everything is as obvious as the fact that Hillary Clinton suffers from debilitating seizures.
At the same time, I trust that our journalists are equipped to handle whatever situation may arise. It doesn’t take a Columbia Journalism School degree to know what’s right—which is good, because nobody here is in possession of such a degree.
The fact of the matter is, we’ve always been able to see and follow our organizational North Star—because pollution isn’t real and global warming is a hoax.
We remain committed to leading with our values. Our founder Andrew Breitbart used to say, “if I know two things, it’s that we have an obligation to the truth, and that Shirley Sherrod is the real racist.” That statement holds true today. She totally is.
To honor Andrew’s legacy—and to answer any outstanding questions—let me address a few concerns we’ve heard from our readers as posted in our comments section (edited to increase clarity and decrease the number of racial epithets):
1. Will Breitbart still be able to cover the 2016 race objectively?
Without a doubt.
The same hard-hitting investigative reporting practices that have driven our coverage thus far will remain at the core of everything we do. We led the charge to uncover the truth behind Hillary Clinton’s emails before Mr. Bannon left for the Trump campaign, and we will continue to do so long after he’s gone.
You can expect from us, the same high-quality features like, “Does Hillary Clinton lean on pillows so much because of MS, or is it Parkinson’s?”, “What’s up with her cough?”, “Isn’t Rodham an Arabic name?” and “Do her hands look swollen today?”
But rest assured, our critical gaze will extend towards the Trump campaign as well. He’s still going to have to answer questions like “Will you sign my hat?”, “What’s Megyn Kelly’s problem?” and “If you could pick ten Breitbart reporters to eat dinner with, how does Thursday look?”
2. How will Bannon’s departure affect Breitbart’s editorial process?
Mr. Bannon’s temporary departure doesn’t mean that we’ll abandon the foolproof editorial process he implemented early in his tenure, a process which has drawn praise from such notable individuals as Erik Trump, Ivanka Trump, and even Donald Trump Jr.
Our staff will continue to pitch stories while standing behind a cardboard cutout of Ann Coulter, delivering their ideas in voices wrought with exasperation and disgust at both the world around them and, secretly, themselves.
Approval decisions will be made by our interim chairperson, the English teacher who saved her class from Ahmed Mohamed’s homemade clock.
Once story ideas are approved, the writers will hit the streets, taking a quote from the first person they see holding a gun.
Fact checking will continue to be provided by our team of solipsistic philosophers, who subscribe to the belief that it is impossible to verify anything but your own consciousness.
3. What about sponsored content?
Literally none of our readers are worried about a new wave of sponsored content—and what it means for the hard-hitting, objective journalism you’ve come to expect. Let me put those fears to rest.
That said, we intend to make clear the distinction between editorial content and sponsored content. For example, a story about the importance of ordering bulk freeze dried food for your bunker is editorial content. The order form at the end of that story is sponsored content.
4. Who did Benghazi?
Hillary did Benghazi.
5. Should we worry about the Trump campaign vetoing or directly editing stories?
[There’s absolutely no reason to worry, I have the best words. –Ed. DJT]
It’s our hope that this letter helps address any concerns you may have about our coverage in light of recent news. As always, thanks for choosing Breitbart while you still have a choice in the matter.
David Duke Breitbart Ombudsman
Adam Talbot, Brian Angler, Kevin Seefried, and Jeff Nussbaum are from West Wing Writers, a speechwriting and strategy firm led by former Clinton and Obama Administration speechwriters.
One turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."
But then it dawned on the crowd that Mr Cruz had not named Mr Trump because he did not mean him. He had just punked the convention. As many Trump supporters began to boo, members of the Trump campaign rushed around the delegates, allegedly trying to whip up more dissent. To deflect attention from the wrecking-job afoot onstage, Mr Trump entered the arena and stood waving generally, with a waxen half-smile, like a senile dictator.